Dear internet, you probably don't have answers

[3rdragon]

So all last weekend I was at an anti-racism analysis/training workshop (Damascus Road, if you're interested in details). It was:
-exhausting
-fascinating
-enlightening
-way more information than I have yet had time to process
-and sponsored/run by Mennonite Central Committee (among others).

This last was something I found particularly bizarre, since I have a number of issues with the broader Mennonite church, and it was very odd to be dismantling one -ism in a program run by an organization that I consider to be a perpetuator of others. (I will say, for the record, that I think MCC is better, as an organization, than MC USA, for example, but it's still all wrapped up in it. And a lot of the attendees come from MC USA churches.)

But this is causing me to put words to something that I have been vaguely aware of for a long time:

I do not know how to be a good Smithie when I'm in what-I-wouldn't-say-in-front-of-my-grandmother mode.

And S totally called me on it. My first reactions were justifications (Okay, I suppose that can be a gender-ambiguous name, but the main association in this country is usually female. Also, your fellow group member is definitely using female pronouns, which suggests to me that you're not out to your group (or have asked them not to out you to this group), and I'm supposed to pick up on it anyway? Etc). And as points, I do think they are pretty valid.

That doesn't change the root of this issue, though.
When I am in groups that I suspect or know to be more socially conservative, I am more socially conservative myself. I don't mean just in the not-being-stupid-and-getting-myself-in-trouble way. I make the composition of those groups more conservative, by the way I act, the way I dress, the way I present myself, what I don't say.
It's very easy to present myself as the modest, straight, mainstream-Christian (okay, mainstream-Mennonite, which is a} not the same thing and b} definitely an oxymoron), not-making-a-fuss girl, and keep my subversive thoughts inside my head. If I do it right, it doesn't require a lie -- it's just not telling the whole truth.

And I'm not saying that I lie. Not even to keep the peace with my grandparents will I lie outright. And I don't need to. In the situations I'm thinking of, it would never occur to most of these people to ever ask a question I need to answer with a lie in order to preserve the façade. I just sit in the corner with my knitting, and bring my WWII book instead of my sci-fi short stories, and chat about fibercrafts and cooking and gardening, and while I say I went to Smith, most of the people around here don't know what that means well enough to understand what I'm telling them.

I'm not saying that I'm looking for fights. I don't feel any particular need to argue with my grandmother, or with the Mennonite Church as a whole. But I wish I knew how not to mislay my Smithie hat when I put on my Mennonite bonnet.

Comments

[relique.livejournal.com]

This seems to be as good a place as any to note that I don't really understand your religiosity--- namely I know you to be Christian, and from a tradition that's small enough and regionally connected enough that I'm not terribly familiar (which, honestly, is at least a little unusual), but mostly I guess that there are any number of ways you deviate from at least one or two beliefs others from your tradition tend to hold...... And I'm curious. So if you wanted to blather on about such things..... I would find it interesting.

Not that you have any obligation whatsoever to explain your beliefs to me.... just, if you were in the mood anyway, I would read it.

[3rdragon]

Oh, huh. I guess I haven't ever really talked much here about being Mennonite. I could do that sometime. If it gets to be this summer and I haven't, poke me again.

speaking out

[rhyolight04.livejournal.com]

I don't think you're alone in having more than one persona and some trouble getting from one to the other. If Smith had been more of a safe place to be devout, it might have helped. If church were more of a safe place to be angry, or different, it would be easier.

First problem: do you want to avoid freaking out the mundanes? It seems you do, or you wouldn't be self-censoring your reading. I'm not saying you should nec. bring femslash cyberpunk, but what are you afraid of if they ask about what you are reading? What will they find out about you? are you afraid if they ask you your secret identity as a (name your group)-extremist terrorist will show? I can't talk about some things without exploding. Sometimes I choose not to talka bout them, to the great relief of my friends. Sometimes it has to be said, and they cope.

If these are not people you see often, is it worth making a fuss? Because being a witness to truth doesn't mean you have to be out there ALL the time. It's too tiring for everyone. Are you choosing the hills on which you will die, and letting the others go? I don't think that's a bad option.

If it is people you see often or care about, what do you fear in their reaction? what would you hope for?

The most precious thing I took away from Div school was that Someone Needs to Ask the Taboo Question. All the time. Because then the rest of the room can mention it -- do you wish the disabled baby had just died, instead? Ever thought your husband might be gay? Since we can't have your dead parent killed, what can we do?

Chances are the Taboo Question is in at least one other person's mind, too.

And I'd like to hear more about the Mennonites vs the Metropolitan Church of Christ, too.

Re: speaking out

[3rdragon]

I've been careful about what I read and where since I was scolded in my grandmother's church for reading Harry Potter while waiting for Sunday School to start. (Possibly more on that story at some later date.) It's just not a fight worth having.

I occasionally self-censor my reading for other reasons; I didn't ask for C.J. Cherryh's Hellburner for Christmas, not because I think my grandparents would object to the content, but because they would freak out over the title and possibly worry about the state of my soul. And I don't think that my sci-fi habit endangers my soul, so they really don't need to be worrying about it. Not anymore than they do already. Some day I'll break it to them that gaming is D&D, which will either be perfectly fine because they've decided that gaming is okay, or will cause great consternation because D&D is goodness-knows-what.

As far as my grandparents, I mostly avoid battles because we already know we disagree, and I don't enjoy arguments enough to feel that politics or theology is worth spending my time with my grandfather arguing with him. I do try to broaden their horizons slowly. I think my grandmother really enjoyed playing Munchkin at Christmas, and I'm still sorry that Hira didn't come home with me that one break, so that grandma could have met a Real Live Muslim Girl Who Doesn't Actually Have Horns (well aware that my grandmother's innate sense of hospitality would ensure that she would be perfectly polite to Hira).

In other settings, I think that what I object to is that I'm not picking my battles. I would like to find a middle ground, and I don't know where it is. Because if I don't say anything in a space that's maybe safe and maybe not, I influence it in the direction of less safe.

Maybe it's time to post something that I wrote up the other week.

Re: speaking out

[rhyolight04.livejournal.com]

I don't want to be ageist, but grandparents and relatives are a special case. I think it's the one-flesh thing; relatives are spooked when part of them is OTHER and they are even less likely to change their minds. I speak as a relative myself, of course.

Would they respond positively if you were to tell them Harry Potter is FICTION, yes, it is, and it's about the ways good fights against evil?

Re: speaking out

[3rdragon]

No, no, my grandparents are okay with HP. But I'm not going to convince Random Other Lady at their church, and I don't see any particular reason to instigate "Kathryn's granddaughter is a demon-worshipper."

And in groups where there are no familial ties to reflect on -- it's just not worth it. I won't convince someone secure in the knowledge of being Divinely Right, and being lectured is tiresome; it's easier to just read a different book, or not point out that I believe birds and reptiles do have a common ancestor.

I think it bothers me less to not speak out for myself than to not speak out on behalf of others.

[rhyolight04.livejournal.com]

It sounds to me like you are sensibly picking your battles. Are you being too hard on yourself? Or is it time for you to time another church community, where you would not feel you were fighting against the current just being yourself?

[3rdragon]

My church is very good. The conference that my church is no longer affiliated with is the problem.

The other problem is that being Mennonite is, for me, not just a denominational choice. There's cultural stuff that goes with being Mennonite/Brethren in Christ/Anabaptist -- or it sometimes does; there are people who are Mennonite without that. I could find myself a nice UCC church with a supportive conference. But I would still feel like a Mennonite who doesn't get along with most of the rest of the Mennonites on a number of important issues.

Besides, I would miss the singing.

And MC USA is getting better. They may even be at the point where they're no longer kicking out welcoming congregations. There was definitely mutterings to that affect a few years ago.


Am I being too hard on myself? Maybe. But I think a decent part of being Christian is expecting more of yourself, in some direction, than you're doing right now. And I think it's easier to find a way to change my actions than to find a way to change my expectations.

[rhyolight04.livejournal.com]

And you have perfectly summed up why I still think I am a loyal-opposition Catholic. Very well put. Actually I was wondering if there was a _younger_ Mennonite congregation around for you. Or you could start a group of Mennonites With Secular BAs and opinions.

[3rdragon]

I'm already in the group of Mennonites with (largely) Secular BAs and opinions. And we're doing pretty well with young people right now.